Why can't I figure out how to post my playlist on the side bar of my journal? Is it possible, using the style I have? If so, will someone kindly help me with it?

Merci beaucoup! *kisses the tips of your noses*

One good thing about proposition 8...it will very quickly bring to focus the people who should not be friends with me, so I can remove them from my list before any permanent damage is done.

Let me explain to you why a straight Christian woman who has never actually been gay, thinks that it is a travesty and a streak of willful, violent ignorance that allows people continue to vote to ban gay marriage.

I have heard the argument that marriage is between man and woman. Well, see, Webster's dictionary doesn't define it that way. NO dictionary defines it that way. If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say the reference point for that argument is the Bible. Well, guess what, folks? The Bible is a religious reference point. It is based on your faith, your religious faith. And was our country founded on the belief that we should all adopt one religion, and force it down every one elses throat? That people should be persecuted and punished if they don't agree with/fit into that religion? Was it? I don't think so. I think it was founded on the idea of religious FREEDOM. The idea that all religions would be acceptable, and that there would be separation of church and state and no ONE religion would be forced on ANYONE. Right? Well?! Am I right???

*sighs*

I know, it hurts, but go ahead and admit it. Yes, I am right. Excellent! Glad we have that out of the way.

If I am right, that means that you do not get to take definitions from your religious reference and force them on other people. Heck, let's go wild and crazy while we're at it, and point out that it ALSO MEANS that those self-same people should be protected by law from harassment, persecution and violence, even though they do not have the same moralistic beliefs as you. Know why??

That's RIGHT!

Because this country is based on the concept of RELIGIOUS. FREEDOM. And they have a right to not only believe they will NOT go to hell for falling in love with someone of the same sex, but also to believe in a God who wants them to be happy and live a long and fulfilling life in a committed and responsible relationship. Or to believe in NO GOD, and not give a shit what anyone thinks of them being in love with someone of the same sex. Or to believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster who created midgets and pirates. Whatever floats their boat. Religious. Freedom.

If you want to ban gay marriage in your church? You just go right on ahead and take care of that, my friend! Make a big sign: GOD DOES NOT MARRY GAYS IN THIS CHURCH. I'm feeling pretty strongly that there won't be a line of gay people standing outside demanding entrance into your intolerant little knot of followers anyway, so it's all good. Practice your religion, enjoy it, have a long happy life and prosper.

BUT.

When a gay person walks into a government office - like, say, a Justice of the Peace? And says, "Well, hello there! I am in love with this fine person by my side, and would like to declare to my community and my government that we are a couple and will be spending a lifetime side by side." - they should not, for any reason whatsoever, be turned away because your church doesn't like the idea. Because see....we're separating church and state. This over here? This is your church. And this over here? This is a government run agency handing out government certifications and licenses. One based in religion, one free of religious bias. That is how it is SUPPOSED. TO. BE.

And to be honest with you, how you can see it as any different to tell a person, "you, sir, may not marry that man because you are the same sex and my God thinks that is icky" than to say "you, madam, may not marry that man because he is white and you are black and my God says to keep the races separate" is beyond me. It just absolutely boggles my mind that you can see the prejudice in one situation, and miss it in another.

I digress.

I have heard the comment, "do you think it's right that my poor, innocent CHILDREN are being exposed to this inappropriate and disgusting display of open gay and transgendered sexuality, and that they are being forced to think about and understand these types of sexual situations?!?" And to me, this begs the question...how is seeing two gay men kissing any different than seeing a picture of Brad and Angelina draped all over each other? What is the difference between two women holding hands, laughing and in love, and any one of the romantic situations in 7th Heaven, Hannah Montana, The Cheetah Girl movies, or any other damn thing your child watches on TV? Why does it matter if the man in a couple is dressed as a woman? Why does that necessitate a different answer than "Well, they're holding hands because they're in love, sweetheart, and that's what people who are in love do." Why does there need to be ANYTHING "disgusting" or "inappropriate" discussed at all?

If you see a straight couple kissing in the street, do you explain the details of fornication to your five year old? No? Well then why the holy f^ck does that need to be different if the couple isn't a man and a woman, but a man and a man? WHY?!? Explain this to me, because your anti-logic is BAFFLING me!

And to further expound on that argument, do you know what? Hold on...sit down, hold on to your socks, because this might just knock them right off your feet. YES, I DO think it's right that my children be exposed to love of all different shapes and colors and mixes and styles. I not only think it's right that it's they're exposed to it, but I ENCOURAGE it and make sure that they see that I am open to and accepting of any healthy, loving relationship. Do you know why? Let me tell you.

Because when one of MY children gets old enough to have examined his/her sexuality and realizes...."Hey! I've never really been into the opposite sex. I've kind of always had a thing for the same sex!"....they will never have to worry that their mom is going to reject them, disown them, stop loving them. They will never have to worry about a God who is going to send them to hell for loving someone, unless they themselves have come to that conclusion in their own spiritual journey. They will not for a moment have to feel dirty, or ashamed, or like they have anything they have to hide or that they must now live in constant, daily fear and torture themselves with a secret truth. MY children will be able to love themselves for who and what they are, and know that *I* will love them for who and what they are, and that it's OK to be happy in life and to go for what makes you happy, and that God is not going to damn them to eternal suffering for doing what they thought with a pureness of heart was the right thing to do!

And more than that...when YOUR poor child comes to the realization that they have always been someone different than who they look like on the outside, and when the shame and fear of you and your religious views drives them to a suicidal level of depression, I can rest peacefully in the knowledge that MY child is not going to shun them. My child will not reassert their feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, or make them feel sick about themselves. My child will reach out, tell them it's ok, hold their hand and be there to accept and love them. My child will encourage them to feel comfortable in their own skin, and to live life in a way that makes them happy. My child, unlike yours, will already have the knowledge of what unconditional love is truly about.

Gay marriage is not about porn. It's not the dirty XXX theater hidden in some seedy corner of your hometown. It's not about having butt sex on your front lawn. It's not about double headed dildos as the give-away toy in your box of Cheerios. It's not about assless chaps, bondage, leather, wearing women's underwear or a strap on, for f^cks sake....GROW UP, PEOPLE!!! Don't worry about what's going on in people's bedrooms which is none of your f^cking business anyway. Be proud of two people who have found each other, and like each other enough to want to commit a lifetime to one another, and to making one another happy.

It's not the gay people making it something taudry and dirty...it's YOU. And maybe...maybe? You should look a little closer at why you feel the need to do that. What secret little thought or fantasy lived in your heart, before someone made you think it was disgusting and dirty and you repressed it so far that if anyone else shows any sign of it, you have to become loud and abusive in order to distract anyone from seeing that you might just understand what it's like to want something that is outside of the "norm". Remove the plank from your own eye, before you remove the speck of dirt from your brothers. Just sayin'.

Oh, and hey...that last bit is a Biblical reference. For serious. Look it up. See, but I can do that because this is my BLOG, not a GOVERMENT POLICY BOOK.

PS: Just so you know...not every Christian God believes gays are going to hell. For what it's worth, the Catholic catechism says that people don't decide to become gay, they are born gay. Why? Because God has his reasons. Now, I will grant you...it does say gays are called to a life of chastity. But keep in mind that this is the Catholic church, and according to them EVERYBODY who is not trying to procreate is called to a life of chastity. Anyway, the catechism says the rest of us are called to be loving and supportive of gay folks, because their lives are especially trying and difficult.

*CALLED*.

How are you going to explain to God why you ignored His call? Hmmmm?? Think on *that* a while.

Updating from work, not because I have anything of interest or import to say, or because I LOVE typing on the ittttty bittttty keypad of my Blackberry Curve, but because I am bored and tired and if I drink one more cup of coffee or pop to allieviate the boredom, I am going to literally begin bouncing off the walls. It would be like a giant ball of rubber bands, only not as cool.

Tomorrow is my birthday, as my lovely sistahs Candle and Elle remembered. Yay for both of you! I will be 28 again, and I'm fine with that. I don't expect it will be all that thrilling of a day...very few people ever send card or gifts or anything like that, because I'm a thousand years older than sand and get bajiggity if they sing the birthday song (yes, it REALLY freaks me out!). But my Brian is going to make me a cake, and says he has a small gift for me...and I am inordinately happy about that. The rest doesn't even matter, really.

Tonight I am going to be the minister in my friend, Mae, vow renewal in SecondLife. I'm almost never there, but I go in for special occasions, and this counts. Especially because Mae has been there for me a trillion times, including buying out the clinic when everything went bad when I moved to Youngstown. She and this fella will have been married in SL for a year now. They've met IRL, but one is in Louisiana, and the other is in the UK, so they've got a bit more time apart before they can make it real there. Anyway, Brian is going to watch over my shoulder, and it will be the first time he's experienced SL so it will be fun.

Killed 20 minutes so far! Only 70 more to go till I'm freeeeeeeeee!

Oh, Elle asked me why there aren't pictures up of my new place yet. The answer is - I hadn't thought of it, because I'm a big dummyhead! So I will try to get some tonight, and post them. It's nothing exciting, and my good bedspread is at Brian's, but it's mine so I love it. :). It's in an interesting neighborhood in which I am definitely a minority, but I've never felt so safe. I really like it there. I sleep well at night, which is saying a lot!

I need a better cushion for the futon that serves as my couch, though, if anyone local has one laying about. Thin futon cushion + metal frame = sore butt. Ow!

Oh, I started my new job 3 Mondays ago. I really like it, too. I may have already posted that information...I can't remember. In case I have, I'll stop there. If I haven't, I'll update later. ;)

I guess that's about it, really. I've got some drama going on with one of my best friends that just, really, could have been better timed...and I have a lot to say about it, because I think what's been said is hurtful and shortsighted. But, rather than say anything, I'm going to be silent and let the storm pass. A Buddhist proverb I read recently says "Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care, for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or ill.". If I say something angry, or speak my frustration or disappointment, it might cause her to do the same, and create negative energy. So instead, I'll let it disappate.

Another proverb I'll leave you with, before I go in search of 4pm coffee dregs. "Because a life of luxury cannot protect us from the inevitable experiences of sorrow & death, the search for LASTING happiness is essential."

That is exactly where I am right now. Precisely my thought and focus. I love it.

Ok, that's it for now, my little chowder heads! More soon. :) love you!

Why, Beth, are you doing this Writer's Block assignment, when you have more on your mind than could fit in the Grand Canyon and are supposed to be working?

Well, beloved reader, the reason is simple. I'm sick to death of both worrying and fretting. I'm taking a damn break. So if this is disjointed, it's because I think as I write...whether or not print dies is nearly the furthest thing from my mind at the moment. Nearly. Second only to speaking like a damn pirate for a day. >.<

So, how important is printed news to me? I HATE newspapers. Sorry, writers of newspapers, but it's true. I mean, I hate most organized news sources of any kind, because I think they tend to be extremist, elitist, and purposely get everyone all worked up over what is probably minor. But printed newspapers are messy, build up quickly, get all over the place. They are one more piece of litter to come into my home and have to be gotten rid of. There's no way I can quickly and easily find information I want...I kind of have to dig through, or hope I see a tag line advertising what's going to be found in that section. Basically...I hate newspapers.

There are some news sources I like, mostly online, that just report the news without interpreting it for my weak, pathetic little mind. I love them. No lean, left or right, just the facts of what happened. I will also say that in newspapers I have read in the past, as well as magazines, there are writers that I adore and would love to read more of. If there was going to be any value in a newspaper for me, that would be it. Articles about general life, written by people with flair for words and intelligent and interesting viewpoints, that I can't find online.

That said, as much value as those have to me ... I don't subscribe to a newspaper, and haven't for at least 8 years. Nope...not even for coupons.

Oddly enough, I think 9/11 opened my eyes to how much useless, junk paper we keep around in our lives. Little articles here, headlines there, piles of coupons there, a box of yesterday - or last weeks' - news. I think seeing the paper flowing endlessly all around the city, just flying everywhere....that changed me. It just piles up around us - paper, paper, paper. Fliers, junk mail, nonsense and mayhem left littering every flat surface, creating massive amounts of dust and garbage to handle. Ever filled a trash bag with that crap and then tried to lift it and were unable, or tried to lift it and had the bag rip??? Who needs all that in their life?!?

Why, when there's digital media that weighs nothing, is gone as soon as it's come, but is always available in archive without creating dust? When rather than sorting through 50 pages of all the junk that's been paid to be printed I can sit, type six keywords, and have what I wanted to know at my fingertips? And if I don't absorb the written word as well from the computer screen as I do from the page, I can print the article - ONE piece of paper, to read and throw away. Not fifty. Yay, me.

I don't know if print will die...but I kinda feel like it will. Honestly, I don't know how newspapers manage to get any sales anymore at all. Which makes me kind of sad, actually, and makes me worry about the people employeed by printed news. But the times, they are a changing.

Stolen from lolavavoom, you're supposed to bold the ones that are true about you.

Self:
- I am 5'4 or shorter.
- I think I'm ugly.
- I have many scars.
- I tan easily.
- I wish my hair was a different color. ((Pffft. I chose this color carefully.))
- I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
- I have a tattoo.
- I am self-conscious about my appearance.
- I have/had braces.
- I wear glasses.
- I'd get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free, scar-free.
- I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger. ((Just last night by the drunk guy in front of me at the grocery store. What a compliment! O.o))
- I have had piercings in places besides my ears.
- I have freckles.

Family/Home life:
- I've sworn at my parents.
- I've run away from home.
- I've been kicked out of the house.
- My biological parents are together.
- I have a sibling less than one year old.
- I want to have kids someday.
- I have children.
- I've lost a child.


Embarrassment:
- I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
- Disney movies still make me cry.
- I've snorted while laughing.
- I've laughed so hard I've cried.
- I've glued my hand to something.
- I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
- I've had my trousers rip in public.
- I've had stitches. This summer!
- I've broken a bone.
- I've had my tonsils removed.
- I've sat in a doctor's office with a friend.
- I've had my wisdom teeth removed.
- I've had serious surgery.
- I've had chicken pox.

Traveling:
- I've driven over 200 miles in one day.
- I've been on a plane.
- I've been to North America.
- I've been to Niagra falls.
- I've been to Japan.
- I've been to Europe.
- I've been to Africa.

Experiences:
- I've been lost in my city.
- I've seen a shooting star.
- I've wished on a shooting star.
- I've seen a meteor shower.
- I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
- I've pushed all the buttons in a lift.
- I've been to a casino.
- I've been skydiving.
- I've gone skinny dipping.
- I've played spin the bottle.
- I've crashed a car.
- I've been skiing.
- I've been in a play.
- I've met someone in person from the internet.
- I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
- I've seen the northern lights.
- I've sat on a roof top at night.
- I've played chicken.
- I've seen the rocky horror picture show.
- I've eaten sushi.
- I've been snowboarding.

Relationships:
- I'm single.
- I'm in a relationship.
- I'm available.
- I'm engaged.
- I'm married.
- I've gone on a blind date.
- I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
- I have a fear of abandonment.
- I've been divorced.
- I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
- I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
- I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
- I've kept something from a past relationship. ((I don't know what this means, so I don't know how to answer it.))


Sexuality:
- I've had a crush on someone of the same gender.
- I've kissed a member of the same gender.
- I've had sex with someone of the opposite gender.
- I've had sex with someone of the same gender.
- I've had sex with more than one person at the same time.
- I am a cuddler.
- I've been kissed in the rain.
- I've had sex outdoors.
- I've hugged a stranger.
- I have kissed a stranger.
- I have had sex with a stranger.

Honesty/Crime:
- I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't.
- I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
- I have lied to my parents about where I am.
- I am keeping a secret from the world. ((Everyone is - we all have personal things that belong only to us. Those are secrets.))
- I've cheated while playing a game.
- I've cheated on a test.
- I've driven through a red light. ((Just yesterday, actually, but it was totally an accident.))
- I've been suspended from school.
- I've witnessed a crime.
- I've been in a fist fight.
- I've been arrested.
- I've shoplifted. ((Ok, shutup, you. I was like 13, and it was a peer pressure thing.))

Drugs/Alcohol:
- I've consumed alcohol.
- I regularly drink.
- I've taken painkillers when I didn't need them.
- I take cough medication when I'm not sick.
- I've done hard drugs.
- I've been addicted to an illegal substance.
- I can't swallow pills.
- I can swallow about five pills at a time no problem.

Mental health:
- I have been diagnosed with depression.
- I shut others out when I'm depressed.
- I take/taken anti-depressants.
- I have an eating disorder.
- I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
- I've hurt myself on purpose.
- I'm addicted to self harm.
- I've woken up crying.

Death:
- I'm afraid of dying.
- I hate funerals.
- I've seen someone dying.
- I have attempted suicide.
- Someone close to me has attempted suicide.
- Someone close to me has committed suicide.

Random:
- I can sing well.
- I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
- I open up to others too easily.
- I watch the news.
- I don't kill bugs.
- I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for sake of being able to rhyme. ((Oh, God, that's a MAJOR pet peeve.))
- I fucking swear regularly. ((Hell fuckin' yeah, booyah!))
- I sing in the shower.
- I am a morning person.
- I paid for my mobile phone ring tone.
- I'm a snob about grammar.
- I am a sports fanatic.
- I play with my hair.
- I have/had "x"s in my screen name.
- I love being neat.
- I love spam.
- I've copied 30 CDs in one day.
- I bake well.
- My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue. ((My three favorite colors are all in this list.))
- I don't know how to shoot a gun.
- I am in love with love.
- I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
- I laugh at my own jokes.
- I eat fast food weekly.
- I believe in ghosts.
- I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
- I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
- I am really ticklish.
- I love white chocolate. ((I like it, but I don't love it.))
- I bite my nails.
- I play video games. ((Although not as much anymore.))
- I'm good at remembering faces.
- I'm good at remembering names.
- I'm good at remembering dates.
- I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
- My answers are totally honest.

Golly. Perks. That's the best topic for 8:30 in the morning on a Saturday that I've ever heard! And I could go on forever...

First, there's all the other things we'd love but that would cost companies money, so they will never do.

• How about if they pay for our insurance, rather than making us pay for most of the monthly premium - hello, we already pay copays!
• How about increasing the matching amount they put into 401K's?
• How about offering a "mental health day", that employees can use up to one a month of? They don't have to accrue or anything, but if you just need ONE day off, there it is, without a hit in the paycheck.
• As long as I'm being silly, how about massaging desk chairs?
• Not making people get foot rests approved by a bitter Office Manager?
• Free box lunches?
• Working with company partners to provide free admittance/special events to local family/fun spots - ie "Free Day at COSI for all WonderCompany employees and their families!"
• Profit sharing??
• Offering a partial reimbursement for services used to stay in contact with work when you're not there, like cell phone bills and internet connection?
• Discounts on the product/service the company actually provides for employees?  Not bullshit 25% discounts...I mean free to like 80% discounted.
• Quarterly or annual productivity and attendance rewards for every employee, not just commissioned ones?  Might I suggest gas cards as a suitable reward?
• Managers who take a required dose of Prozac, are adequately trained not to be Napoleon-like dictators, and are actually qualified for the positions they've been hired into??

*waits a second for the last line to catch you, then laughs with you till tears roll down her cheeks*  I know...I know.  Qualified management.  That's pretty amusing, eh?  Oh, hey....got those TPS reports for me yet?  Didja get the memo about the fax covers?

Ok, seriously...how about telecommuting a few days a week, to help employees save on gas? Most employees maintain high-speed internet in their homes, and phone lines or cell phones to be used for communication. To make it even nicer, employers could give telecommuting employees laptops to use instead of desktops, so that the work can easily be taken from office to home. And there's no reason to limit telecommuting to sales associates and VP's. Data entry clerks can work from home. With phone lines forwardable, secretaries can work from home. Network admins can even work a couple of days a week from home, given the remote access tools available...if you can make me get desktop support from some dude in India, I'm pretty sure Bob the Network Guy being 20 minutes from the office won't be a big deal.

Flex-schedules are good too - four 10 hour days, for example, instead of five 8 hour days.  But even better is to make that flexible so that if I need one week of 4-10's, and two weeks of 5-8's, I can do that.

How about a more casual work environment - allowing jeans for any position that isn't right in front of the customers, and even in front of the customer as long as they are jeans as a part of a business casual outfit.  Most people are smart enough to know how to dress up denim, and even if they aren't, there are a bajillion websites to pull from to define guidelines.

How about having a nicely decorated or landscaped room or garden, and allowing 20 minute "de-stress" times for people to recharge their batteries?  To be used whenever they want to, but I know a 20 minute nap around 2pm would keep me a whole hell of a lot more productive for the rest of the afternoon - I'm prediabetic, and for some reason, lunch seems to be a high carb meal for me.  I'm always crashing at 2 or 3pm.  My friend at Children's, on the other hand, needed a "power walk" whenever she got stressed.  I noticed the nicer the place we "power walked", the more she was able to relax and the faster she got back to work.  There is benefit in having people get up and walk away.

How about letting employees cross train on other employee jobs?  Like, say Betty is a receptionist, but has always been interested in management.  She's been here three years, is as high in administration as she can go.  How about if you give Betty eight hours a week to cross train with Bob, your best manager?  She can shadow him, take notes, and eventually even pick up a few management duties....which trains her, and also gives Bob a break.  In the meantime, pull Joe the data entry clerk making 18K a year, and let him train for eight hours a week with Betty, so that when Betty is ready to move up, so is Joe, and BOTH feel honored and appreciated and like they're growing and improving themselves?  Radical thought, I know.

I'm back to silly now, I think...cuz I keep thinking of things like a policy requiring the immediate dismissal of anyone who wears patchouli oil ever, or "Bring your Cat to Work day" and "Pick your own Paint Color" for cubicle walls, which come on...you KNOW would rock.

But seriously...*takes a sip of her coffee*  Got those TPS reports yet?

And will have my memory saved for posterity, because I was in front of a computer, on LiveJournal, and started typing.

"9/11/2001:

This world is fucking insane. I just sat here and watched an airplane fly into one of the Trade Towers. I watched both of them fall to the ground - all the people who might have survived the original blast fell to their deaths. All the people in those hijacked planes. All the people on the ground who were hit with debris, suffocated under massive piles of dust. The Pentagon. The State Department. We are a nation under siege. We are facing an event three hundred times the magnitude of Pearl Harbor. We are a nation of the brink of fucking war. I am terrified.

I'm thinking right now, perhaps selfishly, of Joey. I hope to fuckin' God she wasn't on any plane that crashed, that she's safe at home or somewhere far away from all this bullshyt. She's the only person I know who is on planes all the time, and I hope to fuckin' God she's ok.

All those people....so many people to pray for. I can't believe the horror."

Sounds dramatic, seven years later. It was only a couple of planes. Only three buildings and a field. Only a few thousand deaths. Right?

Wrong.

The day was terrifying. Those of us not at the attack sites sat at home and helplessly watched people die - thousands upon thousands on live TV. Reporters stood, in utter shock and disbelief, covered in the ash of buildings and paper and people, unable to speak or move or make a cognizant thought come out of their well trained lips. Camera crews ran for their lives. No one at the networks pushed a button and pulled us back to the clean, pretty, calm studios. We watched the devestation, broadcast live. We trembled in fear of where it might strike next. I cannot begin to imagine what the people witnessing it first hand felt - I would never presume to attempt to put it into words.

I know that the loss of one life was too many. In 2006, I wrote a memorial to one of the victims - Kenneth Alan Simon. A man I never knew, would probably never have known in my life, made the horrific loss of that day even more real to me that watching it unfold before my eyes did. Kenneth's death was one too many. Every innocent victim, every heroic rescue worker, every family member wandering the streets, searching for their relative, screaming their names. It wasn't just the dead who died that day - it was the hopes and dreams of all their families and friends. It was the senselessness of an enormous, collective loss - death without meaning, death that gave no peace to the Turning of the Circle.

And the loss can't be measured by body count alone - it has to be measure in the loss of the feeling of safety, of normality, of naivete, of life free from the fear of what's happened, what it means, and what's coming. It must be measured by our staggering, teetering economy, in having to wear shoes that can be slipped on and off if you're flying, in second guessing the communications you have with people in certain areas of the world over the internet, in suspicious looks and glances over your shoulders, in secretive acts of violence committed in the name of revenge, ignorance and fear. It's measured in the deaths of the men and women who continue to fight now, today, on foreign soil, in the name of ensuring that it doesn't happen again.

Whatever your political beliefs, whatever you think of the events of 9/11 or the war we fight now, the bottom line is that a horrible, horrible thing happened on this day seven years ago. Innocents across the world were affected, and even today, innocent hearts continue to bleed. People are confused, torn, skeptical, lost. I'm asking you all to take a moment to send up a request for healing and blessings to whatever higher power you believe in, for all the world. And then...

Remember what happens when people are ignorant, angry and violent.

Take action to keep it from happening again, even in a small way. Serve someone with kindness and understanding today, just to make them feel good. Dedicate one minute to tolerance not because you have to, but because it's the better thing to do. Smile when you'd like to lash out, because you have the mental alacrity to be a bigger person.

My prayers of healing go out to each and everyone affected, even if only by the memory. Be well today, my friends.

1) I dealt with the virtual administration company today. I sent them an email admitting full culpability and offering to finish my work for free, but stating I didn't think it was going to work out. The CEO was way understanding, no one wants me to leave - *cry*. I could maybe work some kind of part-time evening thing...do I want to? I don't know. Too much to think about.

2) I scheduled in a last minute interview for 1pm today, with a local doctor's office. Front desk position, but lots to do, all things I've done before...would be enough to keep me happy without being overwhelmed. They want to start me at $12.00 an hour for 90 days, which sucks, and no insurance. They provide $100 to purchase your own insurance...which covers maybe a third of even cheap insurance if you're self-insured. That part sucks. But on the bright side, they called and offered me the job. They called like 15 minutes ago. Think they're desperate?

3) I had a second interview with another company today. The woman I interviewed with was the woman I would support, sales manager. She was scary, and intimidating, and where I was EXTREMELY confident in my initial interview I was rattled in this one. But then, half way through, I'd find myself unexpectedly smiling or laughing...some dry humor would come through - and I knew there was more to this woman than met the eye. She has a master's degree in conflict resolution...she was playing me like a fiddle. ;o)

She was fun to talk to, and she knows exactly what she needs to be supported, which was awesome. I loved that. She had all the best parts of the jobs I have loved the most. She would definitely keep me on my toes as an admin, but I think it would be great, partly because she's so straight-forward that I wouldn't be empathing hidden emotion ALL. THE. TIME. The job is salaried, and $3.50 dollars more an hour than the other job, plus benefits. She told me before I left she was VERY interested in me, it would just depend on how many errors she found in a document test she gave before I left. So there's good potential there. I think this would be my number one choice, and the other my number two.

The Universe is going to provide for me again. I speak my intention, keep myself focused and pure of heart, and the Universe moves in synch with me. It's pretty amazing.

4) I get a daily meditation sent to my phone every day. Today's meditation was "You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." - Buddha

Thank you, Buddha. A well-timed reminder that made me smile brightly.

5) The unfortunate part of all of this was that I needed interview clothing, and fast. I haven't bought anything like that since I lost all the weight. So of my precious, tiny cushion, a nice 1/3 size chunk is gone. That's scary. And, I got my cell phone bill today, and even though plan changes are supposed to go into effect the day you make them (so you can avoid overages), mine didn't. Yeah, dude, my cell phone bill is like.....astronomical. Chris says call and talk to them tomorrow, and I'm sure he'll help with it if that doesn't work, but not the point. Reminder to self: pay attention to plan changes, expense what was company related. That's over an hour of charges, expensing it will help. Even if I don't want to.

That's it. All my love. *MWAH*

ETA: My boobs still hurt. Just in case you're wondering.

Why am I grumpy, you ask?

Well, because I am female first of all. And while most of the time I am highly, highly grateful for this fact, it must be stated for the record that about once a month or so, when enough hormones to kill a horse flood my blood stream and make me feel like the living dead and act like an angry badger, I pretty much despise it. And everything else in the world. A bit like Sweeney Todd, actually, but without the razors which, believe me, is a good thing.

Second of all, I am upset about work stuff. One of my clients questioned the hours I billed for, and while it was fairly easy to SLAM her concerns into the ground because I don't pad my hours, that is my one true demotivator. I cannot work for people who do not trust me, or think I am trying to get something over on them. I was also a bit pissed at them to begin with, because they were going to be offering me 40 hours of work a week - they were SURE there was plenty of work. And I did start getting upwards of 30 hours, lately. But that is when they began questioning my time, and cutting my duties. Which means, loves, that I am not getting the hours promised, which means I am not getting the pay I need. So...I have gone into shutdown strike, and will be breaking up with this client.

BUT...I am moving to live completely on my own in 17 days. I am freaking about the financial ramifications of my biggest client being gone.

I also have work to finish for them that I do NOT want to do, but MUST do because it's the professional, grown-up thing to do. And I will not bill for, because that's my goodbye gift to keep bridges in place and unsinged. And that pisses me off, because it's work I don't want to do, for people I don't want to do it for, and money I need. And so, we see, two sources of grumpy from one source. Bonus!

And my mom works for this company, full time, and I worry about the ramifications of this situation on her...I know they won't fire her or anything, because she is SuperWoman when it comes to work and she's been there for over ten years. But I don't know what they will say to her, and I have to see her at the damn clam bake I agreed to go to in 10 days. And after having already been treated to her own special brand of negativity (which she hasn't served in over a year, so I was surprised and not pleasantly so) I could really do without any more.

There are good things going, as well. I trust the Universe to know what I need and to provide it for me, and I've spoken my intention to be satisfactorily employed, and things are moving nicely on that front. I actually have had about four full-time office work interviews this week that look very promising. Two are significant pay increases, two are about what I make through Virtually Finished. All have benefits, which is good, I will need. I have follow-up interviews scheduled with two companies, which is great.

Chris hired movers for me because I don't really have a lot of people itching to come move all my junk to the apartment, and offered me some cash from a settlement he got to get started, which was incredibly generous (especially given my current status as a rabid, angry badger)...so I have that padding. And, losing this client also means I can lose the land line I was going to get to use for their work, and drop the rate of internet connection down. So that will save me money, which is great, actually. I have enough cell minutes not to need a landline and prefer not to have two bills. And of course, Brian makes me smile a lot every day, that is a good thing too. :o)

The other good thing is this knowledge. It's that really, if things came to the worst, I KNOW I wouldn't be without options - I'd deliver pizzas or wait tables before I went without. I'm never truly stranded, without a way to take care of things. That confidence in myself, in my own ability to get things done, is a fairly new and happy knowledge. I'm very happy about it, it's very satisfying to me.

So I know I will be ok. I'm just...not feeling well. My boobs hurt. And I am grumpy and frustrated.

Grrrrr.

Hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! I'm lovin' this question! And I'll even be good and not leave dirty answers. Isn't that so sweet of me?

Ok, maybe. Just a lil dirty? ;o)

When I sense he's had a really long night, and he's gonna wanna relax, I cook for him so that when he gets home he has something delicious to relax in front of. Yeah, I know I've spent some serious amounts of time claiming I can't cook, but it's nonsense. I can. Most recently, I've made pork wellington with fresh, herbed green beans; a beefy, noodle, vegetable, cheesy casserole thing along with a lemon tart with a creamcheese base and a raspberry topping; whole grain penne pasta with a beef, tomato, basil sauce...all fresh ingredients, fresh herbs, everything...and herbed fresh green beans (he likes those!); a rainbow cake like the one I made for Christy's bachelorette party; and last night I made the most amazing bruschetta and served it with very, very, very thinly sliced Angus roast beef that melted like butter in my mouth.

Yes...yes, my loves, I *can* cook. I am totally capable.

When I cook for him, I always use fresh herbs, fine cuts of meat, quality oils. Because he doesn't get off work until 10:30, I tend to put things in the food that will help him relax...like, I'll infuse broths with lavender from my garden. I arrange the food on platters or in bowls so that it's attractive, like wrapping a gift. And I make sure it's easy to keep leftovers, so he can enjoy the gift over and over again.

It makes me happy to cook that way for him because it's cooking to please and relax him, not cooking for his base survival. And not that I don't want him to survive - I totally do! But it makes me feel good to know that he will take great pleasure in it, and enjoy it. It will make him happy. I love that.

Now, there are other things I do to pleasure him - sometimes I will be waiting for him when he gets home, and he gets all smiley and happy. I tell him all the time what a beautiful soul, full of honor and valor he is, and how much I enjoy his presence. I flirt with him and make him blush, he loves that. I talk and talk and talk and talk, and for whatever reason, he takes great pleasure in that...he loves to listen to me talk. I tell him what emotions I am feeling from him, and explore my empathic nature openly and honestly, and he loves that...anything open and honest, he loves.

But the thing I enjoy doing the most...well, second most...to pleasure him is to cook for him and help him unwind and relax. And I think he really loves that, too. :oD

So, I went to meet Brian's parents and kids. They were all really, really lovely people. His parents are very kind but a bit nervous, I could tell, and reserved. I haven't gotten a verdict on whether or not I passed the test with them. His grandmother was very sweet and friendly, easy to talk to. I enjoyed that a great deal.

His daughters are wonderful...all three. The oldest has the I'm-too-grownup-for-this-kids-stuff thing going on, but underlies it with a warm, soft smile and gets self-conscious and shy when you talk to her directly. It's a sweet, subconscious shy and I like it. She reminds me a very great deal of Cat, actually, and I think the two would get along well. Lorelei liked both the middle and the youngest a whole lot. The middle is spunky and vivacious and hardy and a little sarcastic, and I actually think Geoff would get along well with her although I'm not sure how the whole girl/boy thing would be gotten past. He might be gross and cootie covered still. ;o) The youngest is a darling, adorable, gentle little thing. Her and Lorelei were easy and carefree together. She has a smile that is all bubbly, it's so cute.

None of the girls had an issue getting into the creek to catch crawdads (which I'll link to for Elle, because I dunno if they have crawdads in NZ!). They slipped shoes off and dove right in, looking for them. I found a dead one first, then Brian went looking for live ones. The live one I caught was bigger than Brian's. HA! Then the girls went looking and catching. I think Lorelei was the only one who wouldn't hold one, but she was afraid she'd get pinched, and that's fair. It was relaxing, and fun, and I liked it. I almost kinda missed being a girl scout leader, and then realized I had enough girls there to start my own troop again. Oi vey. LOL!!

I have scheduled the electric, phone, internet and cable to be turned on at my new apartment, and plans continue to be made. I'm a little worried about employment, only because this current client is so damned flakey...I'm worried I won't get the 40 hours a week I honestly need. But I am trusting the Universe to bring me what I need. Trust but verify - I apply to about 30 office jobs a day. Hopefully, if I need to go that route, I can find one that's laid back and friendly - I go in to get my work done, but the environment is casual and the people nice to be around. I guess that goes hand in hand with me being nice to them, huh? ;o)

I did some empath research yesterday, and learned all KINDS of cool stuff....I was gonna share it, but MySpace ATE IT. And then I was mad. But when I talked to Brian about it, he had thoughts and further questions and I really wanted to be able to give him the links, let him digest them, and see what he thought. So I will have to calm my annoyance and get them posted.

But first, let's get what hours we can out of today. We have a roof to pay for now! ;O)

Love y'all!



PS: How many of you thought I wouldn't come back and update, hmm? How many, go on be honest...show of hands... Well pbbbbbbbbbbbth on all of you, I did. So HA! ;o)

I am going to meet Brian's parents today. I am completely bajiggity over this. Not because I don't think I'm good enough, or because I think there's anything wrong with me, or anything like that....only because I know how important it is to make a good impression, and I want it to be perfect. No stumbling over words, tripping and spilling food all over myself, having nipples show all through dinner...not technical issues. Because then I think I'd die.

Apparently, I am not the only one bajiggity - his mom got her haircut, and his dad is power washing the house. Is that cute? Come on, you KNOW that is cute.

So. I need to go make my addition to dinner (cherry lattice cake - my grandmother used to make it, and it's a very popular family favorite but also a bit more complex than the recipes I normally attempt), shower, get dressed (red is a power color, but you don't want to overpower the female alpha, so pink maybe? But you don't want to under impress his daughters. Cargo pants with pale blue? ARGH!), get Lorelei cleaned and dressed, and head out. Before 2pm. Which means I need to start already.

And here I sit.

ARGH!

Ok, well, it's been seventeen weeks...what's that, four months? So we all KNOW my life has completely flopped, right? I knew I could count on you guys to expect the unexpected. ;o)

So. I went to Youngstown. I had a fella I was going to be with in Youngstown. That fella broke my heart in unspeakable ways, which left me broken and empty. Candleluv kept me alive while I was there, and when it was time for me to come back home to survive, sent me with a smile and a hug and even packed up my stuff for when I could make it back. Candle rocks, have I ever mentioned that? No? Well, she does.

I came home, and was stupid and crushed. I spent a lot of time with a morphine bottle, trying to find the strength to end my own weakness. Never found it, thank God and the Universe at large. Chris was my bestest friend in the world, and during my darkest spots kept me alive and breathing. We didn't resolve our marriage and fall into each others arms, so don't get excited...we're still just done with that phase of our lives, and ready to be just friends. We'll file for a dissolution of our marriage soon. But we cemented our friendship, which is valuable beyond words especially since we have a daughter together.

In SecondLife, I sold my maternity clinic. I went through some really painful stuff with that guy there, too. I found an Okiya, which is a school for non-courtesan geisha. Yeah, I know that sounds weird, but "Memoirs of a Geisha" had a huge effect on me when I read it, and I was interested and felt called to the study. So I joined the Okiya, began studying and more importantly, began healing. That was way important. My Okasan (the mother and teacher of the Okiya) began to introduce me to the Tao te Ching, and Taoism. This brought me a great amount of discipline over myself, and my emotions, and I found peace.

Back to real life. I am still working as a virtual admin assistant, but it doesn't bring in much money and isn't fun, so I've been applying around. I found an apartment, applied and was approved so will be moving to my own place on September 27th which I am thrilled about. It's here in Columbus near my kids, which is great. I've met a fantastic guy via MySpace named Brian, and we're having a great time just dating and enjoying each other. He said something in a blog post that struck me deeply - we both want a future, but we aren't worried about how we'll get there. And that's exactly it...it's relaxed, it's rewarding, and he loves me for everything I am. And is actually stubborn about me not being anything except what I am...as crazy and bizarre and fruity and light in the loafers as I can be. That's pretty cool.

So right now, I'm just in this place where the Universe and I are vibing together really well. I'm more in touch with myself now, more confident of who and what I am, and what I want, and where I'm going. I honestly like myself, and I don't care who doesn't - and not in a "kiss my ass you dick" kind of way. In a "your negativity is not my responsibility to resolve and I will love you in spite of it but I will not be held hostage to it" kind of way. I'm not going to stress about stuff anymore. What I need, I will ask the Universe for the strength to make happen, and it will. It's fine. All that matters is today, and that's what I'm living for.

I'm more open now about being an Empath. I've lost 120lbs, I'll post some new pictures so you guys can have a look. ;o) While I still have a way to go, I'm feeling much better about myself and my ability to get to where I need to be. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, but I finally know that when I decide what it is, I have the strength inside myself to make it happen, which is worth a whole bunch. For the first time in my life, I'm living for myself, and letting the fact that I'm finally getting healthy serve those around me. I don't need anyone to replenish me when I give of myself...I can replenish myself.

So...I know Mrs. Elle misses me here. I kinda miss being here. I will try, try, try to remember to post here. If I forget, just comment and I'll come back and update again. You can find me daily by adding me as a friend on myspace. Just click here to find me.

Love y'all!

ETA: I got bored before I could find a way to upload all the pictures over here, so, just go to my MySpace and click the "pics" link at the top. I'm putting a link to the albums here but I don't know if it will work...it doesn't always. Kay, enjoy!

My beautiful friend Elle nudged me to update so...here I am. :o)

((Sidenote: Elle, the conversation you sent out the other day between you and Caitie was priceless...I loved that!))

Well, Chris and I are separating. It's not like a huge, dramatic thing for us...we're still great friends, we still love each other. We're just not "in love", and we're not a good influence on each other's lives. We tend to make each other lazy, careless, avoidant. That's not a way to live. So that's numero uno.

I am going to live with my friend ((wow, trying to remember how to do an lj tag and failing!))...candledamachine up North. I am heading up next week, and am actually really...excited isn't the word. I don't know. Energized, maybe? I have hope that I can be something again, instead of the nothing that I have become and quite frankly, don't like very much. I can learn to be self-reliant, and remember what it was to know I had skills and value. Jen is great for talking to, and working through things, without ever feeling spoken down to - I always feel like she's getting as much from exploring minds out loud as I am. Anyway, I'm really looking forward to that.

I have started a virtual administrative assistant business, and while it's not "booming", it's not going badly either. I am selling some of my services in SecondLife, creating company logos, providing customer service, attaining consumer feedback and doing company bookeeping. But my big project right now is for a holistic weight loss company. I am going to be doing follow-up interviews, discussing the program with clients, offering myself as a weight loss mentor, as well as doing administrative work as needed. I'm excited about that work...it's a little bit like PlanetFeedback, the parts of it I liked a lot. I get to deal with people, ask their opinions, explain what we do, help them be strong and find the best in themselves, and I get to help with easy, gratifying things like Word documents and access databases. That makes me happy.

I only get paid once a month, and that part sucks...but my mom's company may be throwing some work my way, and hopefully I'll find more projects on my own. Which will rock. At this point, I'm just doing a little bit of everything, collecting money. I'm cleaning at my mom's house, I'm typing college papers...I'd mow lawns and take dogs for a walk if it paid. I've offered my services at my brother's winery, serving for events. Whatever. It's proving very gratifying to me to see the dollars building up...even when they come in small chunks. It's just that I *earned* it...and I don't owe anyone anything for it.

And really, that's what's going on in my neck of the woods. Not necessarily good or bad, just life, and I'm living it the best way I know how. And that's ok with me. :o) What's going on with you?

My SL maternity clinic has been highlighted by one of the big SL News Networks. I thought I was only one of many people being interviewed, just to bring a basic understanding of SL pregnancy to the world at large. Apparently, my clinic and I were the feature of the article!!

I so want to share the link, but then you'll have my whole name and...be able to see what direction my life is taking and that scares me. If you ask for it, I'll share it, how's that? Until then...enjoy. And OMG, WOW!

Growing the SL population
Written by Runeswan Ceawlin
Monday, 28 January 2008

The biological clock is a force of nature, one strong enough to transcend across reality into the virtual world. Residents can monitor their reproductive cycle, get pregnant and experience the stages of pregnancy, including delivery.

Why do people enter a virtual realm and choose to do this? Kaeko, owner of ____ maternity clinic, shared some of the top reasons that residents come to her. In her experience, many come because they can not go through it in real life, either because of medical reasons or lifestyle choices. For the transgendered, being pregnant in SL allows them to experience something they can not in real life. “It’s a chance for them to experience something to it’s fullest, without being looked at as a ‘freak’, completely accepted for what they are, and as they present themselves.” Kaeko said.

There are more motives that bring people to __________, such as those who just love being pregnant, but know that having a child in real life every year isn’t practical. And for others, this is a way for two people to extend their relationship. Kaeko said, “They have found a partner, fallen in love, gotten married, and now want to experience the next stage.” Evalucia Smalls, of Sexy Diva’s Modeling, had a friend who went through a pregnancy and when she saw the fun and satisfaction, she wanted to go through a similar experience with her partner. Barbee Nightfire is one of those residents who has not had this experience in real life. “I’m too old to have a baby and I have never been a mother in real life. I’ve never been married. So I’m going to do it here, in Second Life.” Nightfire said.

Kaeko believes that experiencing pregnancy and childbirth in Second Life is a healthy experience and can be satisfying. “For my clients, especially the ones who are unable to have children, physically or ones who have not found love and haven't had a child, or for the transgendered, it’s an experience that money can’t buy in real life.”

For Maechell McMillan, a ________ client, pregnancy in SL was cathartic. “When I was 17, I was raped, and became pregnant. The pregnancy was very complicated and I ended up having an emergency c-section.” Maechell later married and tried to become pregnant. She miscarried twice, once at eight weeks gestation, another time at 28 weeks. Maechell later carried her daughter, but the pregnancy was again plagued with complications and ended with another emergency c-section. She is unable biologically to have any more children. She now has three children that she loves intensely, but something still felt missing. “My birth experience had left me very unfulfilled. I found SL and thought it would just be a diversion.” Maechell said. But she soon discovered that she could do anything in Second Life, and she began to explore the path of childbirth in this virtual world.

The experience, for her, brought her some of what she had been missing. “It helped me a lot. During the entire pregnancy and birth experience it was very real to me and the fact that I was able to RP everything that would be involved was wonderful and very therapeutic.” Maechell said. She also used the _______ shapes and a "tummy talker" during her virtual pregnancy and felt those items helped put together some of the pieces of the puzzle she felt she had missed.

The clinics in SL offer a variety of pregnancy accessories, such as shapes, tummy talks, babies, as well as full roleplay services. At __________, staff go through each step of the pregnancy with residents. Clients can get sonograms and personalized reports of fetal growth, and most of the clients, nearly 99% per Kaeko, go through the entire roleplay fantasy. Fantasy that includes pregnancy concerns, such as diabetes, and birthing options, such as water birth - all of it leading up to the moment of a very realistic delivery.

Kaeko feels the experience provides an awareness and education that people can take with them into the real world. “I like to leave people with a basic knowledge about pregnancy that they could take and move forward with in their RL's. For example....in clinicals, I will ask moms to drink 8-12 glasses of water a day and to remove caffeine of any kind from their diets. I will ask them to make sure they take their prenatal vitamins every day, and tell them why that's important. I will remind them to avoid most medications, especially Aspirin and Pepto Bismal while pregnant, and again will explain why. I ask them to keep up moderate exercise, I make dietary recommendations, I coach controlled, focused breathing as opposed to drugs for pain....all of the things I would recommend as a doula IRL, I will recommend here.”

Beyond the roleplay and activities surrounding pregnancy in Second Life, is the focus on accessories. One highly popular device is the woman’s Tantra hud. It allows women to set their reproductive cycle and use birth control options. Jannet Dabney embraces the nature of women. After spending some time in Second Life she began to feel that something was missing from her experiences. She does not want to experience pregnancy, but she does want to feel like the woman that she is, that includes bringing her reproductive cycle into Second Life. Using the Tantra device helps her enjoy a more fulfilling in world experience. “Candidly, it makes those intimate moments much more realistic to me.” Jannet said. She has worn her Tantra for over a year and not become pregnant.

Tex Evans, creator of the Tantra hud, never expected it to become what it has. He first made it for a friend who wanted to have a chance of pregnancy while engaging in Second Life sexual relations. Evans said. “I think that since SL relationships tend to mirror the progression of RL relationships, it is only natural that once two people have partnered for their thoughts to turn towards children.”

The stories he hears from his clients are touching. One such client had gone through a traumatic real life experience, and wanted to use the roleplay aspect within Second Life to help heal her by going through the experience more positively. “It was a deeply fulfilling story to me that really made me think about how something as small as my HUD can have a positive impact on someone's real life.” Evans said.

Pregnancy in Second Life is not just a “game” for many residents. It is an important and fulfilling experience that affects them emotionally and spiritually.

My LJ account runs out in five days. Usually, this would mean without question renewing it as quickly as physically possibly, because LJ=life. But it hasn't, for several months now. On the other hand, I don't want my LJ to ever, ever, EVER go away. This is home to me. Where my friends and family are. But it could be home as a basic account, too, I guess.

Hmmmm. What to do, what to do.